


Dirty Magazine

by xenous



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Howard is the big brother, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Porn Magazines, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 04:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19265641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenous/pseuds/xenous
Summary: After having a naughty dream, Gary tries to figure out his sexuality.





	Dirty Magazine

**Author's Note:**

> I actually started this back before Christmas but I've really struggled writing it for some reason. However, here it is - it seems as though Gary is becoming slightly more and more insecure with every story I write and as ever Howard is there as the protective older brother...

_The bliss was intense. I could merely feel the sweat dripping down our bodies. I couldn't even look at his face; the thrusts were too powerful. All I could see was the pillow's white fabric that my face pressed into. With every thrust, I felt myself grow harder. I couldn't take it; I needed release. Not only was this the first time I'd ever experienced something this passionate, but I enjoyed it. As my moans got louder, his thrusts became harder, and faster. I felt something building up inside of me, and it needed to come out. It was only then that I felt a certain spot inside of me getting hit. Screaming with ecstasy, I spilled a warm, thick liquid onto what were once clean sheets._

_"Rob..."_

 

* * *

 

Walking down the magazine aisle of the run-down corner shop, standing out like a sore thumb, Gary scanned the racks for what he was looking for. He knew it probably wasn't the best idea and if he got caught or recognised, he knew he'd be in deep trouble but he didn't know what else he could do. This couldn't carry on; he needed to settle his thoughts once and for all. At least with a magazine he had a better chance of keeping it hidden over a VHS tape like Howard had gone with. Although the contents of Howard's tape were far more appreciated by the other boys than the thoughts that had been torturing Gary's mind of late were likely to be.

Spotting what he was searching for, he pulled his cap down further to ensure his face was covered enough from any nosy passers-by and reached out to the magazine. It was the only one of its type in stock, covered with opaque black plastic except for the top, although reading the title and seeing the top half of the picture, Gary knew it was what he was looking for. There was only one way to be sure about his feelings, and this magazine would give him his answer.

With sweaty palms, he quickly walked towards the check out and tossed it on the counter, not daring to look up at the cashier, praying for him not to try any attempt at small talk. The middle-aged shop owner raised his eyebrows at the younger boy but didn't make any comments - luck seemed to be on Gary's side for once.

Once paid for, he tucked the magazine under his jumper and practically ran back to the hotel, his brain whirring the whole way. What was he doing? It wasn't like him to sneak off from the rest of the band - he dreaded to even think about the earful Nigel would give him if he found out and that's without him even knowing the purpose of his trip to the shop. Just holding the magazine beneath his jumper...the touch of it just felt dirty - Gary felt dirty. What did he think he was going to get out of this anyway? The magazine could just end up confusing him more...that was the last thing he needed. He was just one confirmation away from ruining his friendships, his career, his life. But the current uncertainty was even more terrifying than all that.

Reaching the hotel that they'd been booked into for their latest visit to God knows which city they were in - Gary had lost track about two weeks ago - he managed to reach the lift without being spotted by any onlookers; luckily their fans hadn't managed to catch up with their latest positions just yet. Just as he was about to press the button to send the lift to his floor, he heard a breathy shout, "Wait, Gaz! Hold the lift, mate!"

Looking up, Gary saw Howard running towards him, Jason in tow, seemingly chasing him round the corner of the lobby. Gary stuck his arm out, in between the lift doors allowing Howard to join him.

"Quick, quick! Press the button - don't let him in!" The taller boy reached over Gary's slightly startled frame to rapidly press the number four on the wall repeatedly until the lift doors closed, just as Jason nearly managed to reach them.

"That'll teach him not to nick my chocolate, ay? He says he's trying to keep me healthy, but I bet you he secretly eats it all himself."

Gary could only try to smile as his cheeks reddened and he hugged his arms tighter around his waist, making sure that his magazine wasn't visible beneath his jumper. Howard glanced at him curiously.

"Hey, you alright, Gary? You look like something's bothering you. Anything I can help you with?"

Gary backed off defensively yet looking as guilty as charged whilst shaking his head, plucking up the courage to reply to his mate.

"No, no, mate. I...erm...just need some rest, is all." Howard wasn't buying it and gave Gary a pitiful smile.

"You know that you can talk to me 'bout anything, right? Besides, where'd you sneak off to?" He placed a reassuring hand on Gary's shoulder.

"Oh, you know, just needed some fresh air I guess." His blush deepened at his lie. The lift doors opened and the two boys walked out towards their rooms.

"Well, alright then, just make sure Nige doesn't find out, mate. See you downstairs later then?" As they arrived at their rooms, both next door to each other, Howard reached his arms out to offer Gary a hug. Not wanting to drop his magazine, Gary kept a grip with one hand and reached out with the other to give an awkward side hug before dipping his head and entering his room. Howard just watched the younger boy with confusion - there was definitely something bothering him.

Once in his room, Gary slipped off his trainers and threw his cap and sunglasses in the general direction of the tidy desk sat in the far corner. Sitting on his freshly made double bed, Gary slowly pulled the magazine out from under his jumper and looked down at it. The only part of the cover he could see was two men kissing, then everything was covered by black. The sight made heat rise to the surface of his cheeks. Carefully, he reached his shaking hands to the plastic film and slipped the black cover off. He gasped as he took in the rest of the image on the front page. The undoubtable feeling of his trousers tightening and every muscle in his body trembling took over him. Other than the unavoidable side glances that came with having band mates with little to no modesty, Gary had never properly seen another naked man before and the sight on the cover was making his head spin. As he began to get past the initial shock a little, he plucked up the courage to turn the page and started flipping through the magazine.

The more pages that turned, the more excited and nervous he became, until the overwhelming urge to touch himself was becoming too much. Gary unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them down far enough to pull out his growing erection. Flipping through more pages, stroking himself faster with each page, he was picturing himself in each position that he was ogling. For a guy in his early twenties, Gary wasn't exactly the most experienced when it came to sex, at least compared to the other guys in the band. Of course he'd had a girlfriend or two before Take That and yes, they had gone that far, but that was his only knowledge and experience.

Before he even got to the second half of the magazine, he could already feel the fire within his belly starting to grow. Small groans were starting to fall from his O-shaped mouth. All it took was one, two more strokes and he was already coming all over his hand and the magazine, moaning and gasping for breath.

Dropping the magazine on the bed next to him, Gary flopped his head back on to the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He wiped himself off on his underwear before pulling his trousers back up and brought his knees to his chest. Curling into the foetal position on his side, he closed his eyes and began to sob.

 _People already hate me, why do I have to be different? Why cant I be like normal guys and do normal things? Why do I have to like other guys? Why am I such a freak? I'm screwed! I'm so screwed!_ The thoughts continued to torment his brain as he eventually cried himself to sleep into his pillow.

 

* * *

 

Beginning to stir from his restless sleep, Gary turned to look at the clock on his bedside cabinet.  _17:49_. Shit. They had agreed to meet in the restaurant at six o'clock. Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to stand up, Gary heard the thud of something hit the carpeted floor. Looking down, he found that damn magazine staring back at him. Or rather, the photo of a particular man staring back at him; he looked just like Rob - maybe an older version of him - but it looked just like him. On the page, another man was on his knees sucking off the Rob lookalike, blond hair being tugged, smiles, lust. It looked too much like him and Robbie for Gary to be comfortable with. His trousers were beginning to tighten, the shame creeping up on him once more. Fuck. He didn't have time for this.

Reaching down to pick up the magazine, he heard a knock on his door. Almost jumping out of his skin, he snapped the still-sticky magazine shut and stuffed it under his pillow, making a mental note not to forget it. Not that he thought those images were going to leave his mind anytime soon.

"Gary! Come on, Gaz, we've got to go down now! You ready?" Mark's sweet voice called through the door. Gary turned to look at himself in the full-length mirror on the wall. He looked a mess and he knew it. His clothes were presentable enough, and he quickly ran his hands through his hair to sort out his just-woke-up look. His face gave it away, though. He looked physically and emotionally drained, and his red, puffy eyes gave away the fact that he'd been crying. He didn't have any time though, so he had no choice but to walk over to the door and prepare himself for any remarks.

As he imagined, Mark gave him a worried look as he walked out of his room.

"Hey, um, Gaz, are you alright?" Gary didn't have the energy to answer so just gave a very unconvincing nod and started walking towards the lift. The silence was uncomfortable for the both of them as they made their way down to the hotel restaurant and joined the rest of the band at their table.

Fate did always like a laugh, though, so of course he ended up sitting across from Robbie, leaving Gary unable to even lift his eyes and take his gaze off the table in front of him. The rest of the boys threw questioning glances to each other, trying to figure out if anyone knew what was wrong with Gary. After they'd got no answers, they seemed to decide it was best to just talk between themselves until Nigel arrived and sat at the head of the table.

Whatever was being said around him, Gary didn't register. Instead, he was left beating himself up and grasping on to the final thin thread of self-control stopping him from bursting out crying. He couldn't concentrate and couldn't cope with Robbie sitting across from him; the image he'd seen in the magazine after waking up burned into his mind. He liked guys, and he hated himself for it. But most of all, he liked Robbie and he didn't know what to do about it - it was killing him inside. He knew deep down that this day of realisation would come and that he'd been living in denial about Robbie but it was all too real and overwhelming for him right now.

Twenty long minutes later, after a waiter had served them their meals, Gary decided he needed to get out of here. He sat picking at his food, trying to think up an excuse whilst the other five at the table wolfed theirs after a long day of travelling.

Pushing his plate away, he made to stand up, "Sorry, I'm not feeling too good. Am I alright to just go back to my room?" He could feel all their eyes on him, but he could only see the pair of green ones across from him, etched with concern.

"What's up? Are you going to be alright for the show tomorrow?" Gary turned to Nigel as he heard his voice.

_No, I don't think I'm ever going to be 'alright' again._

_"_ Errr...Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine after a good rest. Just a bit out of sorts is all." He faked a smile.

"Travelling probably just took it out of you, lad. You go get a good nights sleep and make sure you're better for tomorrow." Gary muttered his thanks as he turned to leave the restaurant.

He walked out into the hotel lobby and over to the lifts, pressing the button to call one. Whilst waiting, getting more and more impatient, he felt a familiar touch on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you really alright?" He turned to see Howard stood behind him. Howard always cared for him more than the others; he supposed Howard was the only one who sort of understood him. Gary still always felt like the one left out in the band.

"Yeah like Nigel said, travelling probably just took it out of me." The lift made a sound to announce its arrival and the two boys walked in.

"You never normally care about travelling. Do you just feel sick?"

Gary's patience was wearing thin, what was this? Twenty questions? All he needed was to get back to his room and cry himself to sleep again.

"God, Howard, I don't know, for fuck's sake!"

"Okay, calm down. At least let me take you back to your room and make sure you're alright. Remember, I'm here if you want to talk."

"Sorry... and thanks, mate." Gary slid his keycard into the lock on his door and slipped inside. Howard followed and enveloped the smaller boy in a tight hug. Gary happily accepted, needing any form of reassurance available right now. The two of them then moved over to the bed sitting side by side. 

"Well at least you gave me an excuse to escape Nigel's daily moaning. Thanks for that at least." Gary gave a smile and a little chuckle. Howard smiled back and counted that as at least a little victory.

"See there's that cheeky little smile - there's our Gary!" Howard laughed and pinched Gary's cheek. Gary returned his laugh and lightly hit Howard on his chest.

"Get off!"

"Nope! I like making you laugh. Can't bare you moping around anymore!"

"I'm not-" Gary's laughs turned into screams and Howard began jabbing his fingers into Gary's sides. They both began rolling around on the bed trying to beat the other at their meaningless game, messing up the bed sheets as they did.

Trying to roll over onto his side, Gary knocked one of the pillows off the bed, landing with a thump on the floor. That's when Howard spotted it - the magazine - and he immediately grinned, knowing what it was.

"Oh, Gary, I found your girlie mags!" Gary's face burned hot as he darted up and tried to stop Howard, but he was too late. Howard grabbed the magazine and held it away from the shorter boy at an arms length, but when he took a proper look again, his grin faded, replaced by confusion.

Gary started trembling, and he slowly backed away from Howard curling up into a ball in the corner of his bed. He could feel the tears beginning to burn down his cheeks, and he braced himself for Howard's reaction. He figured How would probably punch him and maybe call him a faggot before storming out to tell Nigel and ruin his career - his life. The panic was beginning to bubble in his chest and he knew deep down that he was just a couple of seconds away from a full-blown attack. He just hoped that Howard would be quick and leave, so that he could have the attack alone and hopefully die.

Nothing happened.

The weight on the bed shifted, and Howard slowly pulled the shaking boy into his lap.

Stroking the younger boy's hair, he murmured softly in his ear, "No, Gary, please don't cry. There's nothing to cry about."

Gary tried to catch his breath before he could speak; slowly peeking up at the taller boy, he saw his friend's face full of concern. He lifted his head some more and Howard slowly wiped away the tears with his thumb.

"B-but, Howard, I think I'm g-gay?" Struggling to say the last word, Gary whispered it as if it was forbidden. Howard shook his head.

"Gary, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with you. You're still the same person, you just like different things but that's fine! Is this what's been bothering you?"

Gary slowly nodded and Howard smiled.

"And how long have you known? Please don't tell me you've been struggling alone like this for a long time." Gary ducked his head.

"I've been confused about it for a while, but I just didn't know. That's why I went out and got that today." He nodded at the magazine. Howard took a closer look at the magazine before grimacing and dropping it onto the bed, pulling his hand back at lightning speed.

"Well I can see you _ahem...enjoyed_ it so to speak." Gary's face reddened as he realised that Howard had noticed the stickiness of the pages. "I mean, are you sure, Gary? That's a big thing to decide just like that. You've had girlfriends...are you sure you're not bisexual?"

That, Gary hadn't thought about. Yes, he'd had girlfriends. Did he love them? Well, he thought he did at the time. But every time his eyes met Robbie's...he knew. He knew from the way Robbie made him feel even in his dreams. Tears began to well up in his eyes once more at the memory.

"I hate him! I fucking hate him! This is all his fault!" Gary banged his fist onto the bed to emphasise his point. Howard stood back, shocked at the sudden anger.

"Whoa whoa. What's his fault? Who's he? Gaz..." Howard sighed deeply, "What's wrong?" The smaller boy looked up to meet Howard's eyes before muttering a single word.

"Robbie."

"Wait, does Robbie know? Has he said something? I swear to God if he's said something!"

"No, no, he doesn't know." Howard stared at Gary, his brain following along, and a little grin appeared once more.

"Aww, is our Gary in love?" 

Gary's cheeks burned as he managed to splutter, "No! Of course I don't love Ro- I mean him...anyone!" Howard met his eyes with a knowing look.

"But it was Robbie who made you question your sexuality, yeah? God, I should be offended - surely it should have been me! I'm the one with the body!" He offered a still very uncomfortable Gary a wink. The younger boy grimaced at the idea.

"God, no. You're like an older brother to me, How; you're always there, looking out for me whenever I manage to get myself into one fucked up situation or another."

"Hey, you're not fucked up. So maybe you might not know how you really feel about Rob right now, but I can assume you've realised you like him somewhat more than just a mate, right?" Almost two minutes of silence passed before Gary gave a shallow nod. It was so small that if Howard hadn't been analysing every move and breath the smaller boy took, he wouldn't have noticed it.

Wrapping his arms around Gary once more with a proud glint in his eyes, he moved him so that he was led on the bed, head on one of the pillows that was still intact yet damp from Gary's earlier tears.

"What you need is a good night's rest. Don't worry, I promise that this will stay between us - no one else needs to know until you figure out what you want. Just be careful though, Gaz. Don't go rushing into things if you're not one hundred percent sure. Especially with Rob involved, you know how he has a very changeable mind; I just couldn't bear seeing you get hurt like that."

Gary let out a hollow laugh, "Don't worry, How, I don't think I could tell Robbie. He doesn't like guys. He'd probably just take the piss out of me and as self-destructive as I seem to be, I don't think I could ever put myself through that." Howard, though, wasn't so sure.

"Well now that you think you prefer guys, just take some time to figure out what that means to you. Maybe be careful with that magazine, though, the last thing you need is for someone else to spot it."

Gary let out a long, deep sigh, "Doug, what am I going to do? I'm screwed! I can't be gay - I'm in a boy band that half the girls in the country want to shag! This can't be happening..."

"Here, you want to keep the magazine? Let me hide it in with my stash - at least then if someone finds them they'll hopefully only notice my girlie ones and not think too much about it."

"Yeah, at least everyone already knows you're a pervert." Gary smirked solemnly, receiving an elbow in the ribs.

"Oi, and being gay doesn't make you a perv...unless you want to be, I guess." Howard teased back, trying his best to calm Gary's uneasiness. Howard threw his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. "Sleep on it, make sure you're feeling better in the morning. And remember don't worry about anything, I'm always here for you, mate, and I know that the other lads would be too if you wanted them."

"Erm...Dougie? Would you...umm...mind staying with me tonight? I just...I don't want to be alone."

Howard turned around to view the fragile figure laid on the sheets before him. Gary, bless him, always tried to stay strong and be the backbone of the band, but who was there to keep him together when _he_ was crumbling to pieces?

Without a second's hesitation Howard replied, "Of course, Gaz, move over." As the taller man slipped beneath the covers, circling his arms around Gary, he placed a kiss upon his forehead. "Get some sleep."

Howard spent the next twenty minutes watching his best friend close his eyes and sink into a worried sleep, arms tightly wrapped around the smaller boy, protecting him, reassuring him. Once he was sure Gary was finally asleep, he bent down to whisper in the smaller boy's ear, "Love you, Gaz."


End file.
